I feel crushed. Absolutely, I think the actual confirmation of 'I don't like you' tore me apart. This is like a replay. I feel crushed, but I can't cry. What is wrong with me?
Referencing Ryan's blog, if I only had one day left on earth, I'd spend it with someone I loved. And completely nude.
It doesn't really Hurt. Nothing could hurt as much as my little romance thing of 8th-9th grade with lets call him Jasper. and now, i am all blogged out.
my blog is still filled with shallownothingness.


I think that it is Finally time for me to become self-aware. Why do I do the things I do? Honestly, what is it about the opposite sex that attracts me? What is it about floppy-haired tall boys that completely makes me weak in the knees? Why do I crave love and attention SO much, but at the same time want to be alone.

I've started to realize that although I love being in group environments, I also hate being in a group. I'm afraid to be alone, but also afraid to be with others. I want to be seen as independent. But whenever I think of doing something on my own, Whether it be going shopping alone, or just going to a public bathroom alone I am constantly reminded of the episode of Friends where Rachel becomes confident in her own skin and eats alone at a restaurant only to be discovered by a cute doctor who then refuses her a date because shes eating alone. Is it really such a faux pas for a woman, or even a man for that matter to dine alone in public? I doubt I will ever be strong enough to do that.
I don't know what happened in my childhood that resulted in my need for love. I actually think my childhood was filled with love and affection. But, I know I'm different from my sisters. For one, they're all beautiful. And for another, they all know who they are and what they want in life. They don't need someone to tell them they are beautiful. They love themselves. I hope that I will be able to do that someday. Mostly, I've come to resent that my sisters had more time with my mother, my grandfather, my grandmother, my aunts, uncles, everyone in the family. My mother started working as soon as she could after I was born, and I was too young to attach to my grandfather before he died. I don't even remember crying at his funeral. My grandmother I've never had a bond with, simply because of our language barrier. I never shared any common interests with my uncles or aunts. As soon as I was born, there were a bunch of cousins my age that I could play with, so I never had the opportunity to form the bond my older cousins, sisters, and aunts and uncles have with each other. I am devoid of all the memories of laser-tag, snowball fights, and sleepovers. My father was at work too often for me to have any hope of sharing a bond. I had a nanny from when I was old enough to eat solid foods to when I went to pre-school. Even now, I know I resent my parents for dumping me on a nanny instead of getting the care and love all of my sisters received. I was born 10 years after my oldest sister. I share no bond with my family at all. I honestly feel like an outsider in my home. When I go to Asia or Madre's house and see how at ease they are with their families, it truly makes me sad. I could never hug my sisters or argue with them the way Asia hugs her Kuya. At school, I laugh and hug and joke and at home I read, and listen to music. I am two completely different people. At school, I am loud and outspoken and at home I barely speak at all. If you filmed my whole day, you wouldn't see the same person throughout the whole day.

I think that I'm going to end this now.


Kay so. Just now, I was attempting to find a blog layout that was so absolutely THI it would be undeniable. but, I couldn't. So, tomorrow, when my dad is at work I shall use his computer and make one. Since my out-dated MAC is so terribly incompetent. I now realize that after six weeks of summer school, my vocabulary is shot, my grammar is gone, and my sentence structure is laughable. Also, my French has been reduced to nothing more than a dream. Last night Rikki and I had such a weird conversation. HOUSE OR GREY'S ANATOMY!?

Two Seasons of Greys Anatomy in less than one minute. Compliments of Hoang.
pachoangman (11:53:00 PM): grey's is too
pachoangman (11:53:02 PM): mushy gushy
pachoangman (11:53:04 PM): i love you
pachoangman (11:53:06 PM): no i don't
pachoangman (11:53:07 PM): yes i do
pachoangman (11:53:07 PM): yes i do
pachoangman (11:53:09 PM): fuck me
pachoangman (11:53:10 PM): wait we can't
pachoangman (11:53:12 PM): let's just do it
pachoangman (11:53:13 PM): but
pachoangman (11:53:16 PM): come on
pachoangman (11:53:16 PM): wait
pachoangman (11:53:19 PM): okay
pachoangman (11:53:20 PM): no wait
pachoangman (11:53:22 PM): should we
pachoangman (11:53:40 PM): my best friend loves me
pachoangman (11:53:47 PM): i should fuck him
pachoangman (11:53:52 PM): but he's gay in real life


Oh! and this made me laugh so much. This poem Jeshua's friend showed him. Omgah.

i lick and i suck i really want more,
i spit and i swallow that's wat they're for
the white frothy stuff that drips from my lip
addicted, i take every single sip
it tastes so good i dont want to let go
screaming yes and screaming noh
it's so sweet
like a dream
mm yes
how i love my ice cream


It's too early to think. My blogs have all been rantings about Jeshua or Cameron ever since I had a LiveJournal. So now, I'm turning over a new leaf. My blogs will be absolute nonsense. :]