Okay, so Yesterday was I think, the worst day of church I have ever had. Ever. I was absolutely off my game. During service, I couldn't really connect with what Pastor Charlton was saying, I couldn't hear clearly what the band was playing. Yeah, sure. I was singing along, but the songs didn't move me like they usually do. Its funny how when Outcry plays my favorite songs, it's always a bad day.

So. School was terrible too. I couldn't get Jeshua or Cameron out of my mind. That sucks. I'm starting to fall back into my old Jeshua rut. I don't want to like him again. I'm not willing to put my heart out there for him again, he's had too many chances. I know that if I wanted, I could let go of Cameron and give myself over to Jeshua again. I could pick up exactly where I left off and just completely Love him again. But, I don't want to. I'm off to greater and better things, and after church, I wanted to tell him everything. How he broke my heart, and kept it. I'm not blaming him. Honestly, I'm not. I don't even know why I loved him the way I did. He isn't anything special. I should come to my senses. Theres a great guy in the wings and he'll be there for me. I know it, he persevered through Tony. I've probably liked him on again off again throughout the whole 07-08 school year. Stuck between probably bouts of crying over Jeshua, and one Tony spaz.
Wow, I don't know what to do. Or, I know what to do. I should let go of Jeshua and the past and start getting ready for happiness. But, I just can't. Amid all of those tears and all that sadness and distress about Jeshua, there was a Whole lot of happiness. Someone who woke up at 3 in the morning to talk to me when I was lonely. I know what I need to do, and it isn't going to get any easier the longer I wait. Pastor Charlton said yesterday to be a Right Now person. So Right Now I'm going to let him go. Completely.